Moving - Things I Won't Miss


Hello Internet! I’m here today to rant, rave and curse about how much I hate apartment life and probably love on it a little as well.

You see I’m moving in just over a month…and quite frankly…I’m not packing enough, I’m not cleaning out enough. I am stuck…in a funk.

A pre-move….”why the fuck do I own all of this shit” funk.

But, there are moments, when amidst that thought process I stumble across one huge glaring SIGNAL for why I need to move.

Tonight’s “Fuck Apartments” Bingo?

Having to share a laundry room, with 2 washers and 2 dryers with a floor that has at least 200 people living on it.

You see, one of these washers is a front-loader that costs and extra….BILLION DOLLARS…. $0.25 fucking cents to use. Well apparently the fact it costs more is going to break the bank of some of my neighbors, who quite frankly, I would donate the goddamned quarter to, if they use both machines at once. So what you get is a bunch of cheap and/or broke-asses occupying all the dryers while not using both machines and it just fucks the symmetry ALL up.

People who leave their dry laundry to sit in the dryers knowing full and well people need the machines.

I will straight up lay your clean clothes on that counter that’s probably never been disinfected in it’s life if you can’t have the damn decency to pick your shit up when it’s done. I’m glad that you’ve got the time…but I don’t. Pick your shit up when it’s done, set a timer on that over-priced phone and don’t feed me any bullshit.


All of the spaces are designed for compacts, except for four. Which always have compacts parked in them.

Now this is less of a problem now that I drive a 20 year-old Civic…but when I was driving the Taurus? I can’t tell you how many dents I’ve put in the doors of fancy cars because their owner/driver feels they should park all crooked and shit in the space like it’s their right to take up two damn spaces.

Also, if you live in Alexandria, VA…your Hummer and Suburban are just proof you feel the need to show the world how goddamned important arrogant and stupid you are, you don’t need a vehicle that large and if you can’t be bothered to learn how to park or drive the goddamned thing…I hope it drains your bank account of all your money when fuel prices inevitably go back to ~$4.50/gallon here. I hope the loan bankrupts your ass and it dies on the side of the interstate on you.

Also, I’m not afraid of your truck or your SUV, I’ve seen their crash-safety ratings. Your attempts at intimidating me are moot. I do not fear death.

I love the cultural diversity DC offers, but I really wish we could all agree that when you move somewhere you assimilate to their driving customs. Because apparently Maryland has a different driving culture than Northern Virginia…and never mind New York drivers.

Also, if your wife and spawn are that frigin important to you, perhaps you should invest in a Volvo instead of a Ford Excursion.


My goal before next Monday is to have the desk under my bed gone so I can start packing boxes…and to pack at least 5 boxes.



Cheers & Beers,


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