Not My Monkeys, Not My Circus - 2015

2014-10-28 Shit Creek Survivor

2014 was a huge joke for me. So I’m glad it’s gone. As a way of seeing it off I’ve decide to post a few things I need to get off my chest, the hard truths of 2014.  At the end of this, I will go over how I intend to move on from this, but first….life:

  • I need more sleep than most of you, and I’m not sorry if this is a problem with my socializing and meeting everyone’s expectations.
  • I need to be alone more than most people, I don’t like it when people come into my space…and no I don’t want to talk. You’ll know when I want to talk…I will start talking.
  • I honest to god believe that with only a few exceptions, getting married before you’re 28 is probably the stupidest thing anyone could ever do.
  • Even after a miscarriage I don’t think I will ever have children. They are expensive and I don’t need another person in my life who requires any part of me. I have enough of that shit already from grown ups.
  • You don’t have to add every person who requests it on Facebook and you should delete 90% of the people on your friend’s list. Believe me your Facebook experience will be less stressful. Plus, what gives someone you knew in high school the right to pass judgement on your life if they haven’t been a part of it in any significant fashion SINCE high school?
  • Your judgement of me matters not, I would prefer that you like me…as it would certainly make life easier, but at ~31 years old…I simply don’t care. This goes for friends, family, extended family, coworkers and random strangers.
  • I am but one person and I can not fix everyone’s problems. I am tired of hearing about how everything is so damn horrible. It’s next to impossible for me to go a day without hearing about something stupid. Note: There are those in my life who have legitimate issues and I am fine listening to them…but otherwise…I can’t do a damn thing…burdening me with every little thing that goes wrong is making my heart heavy and almost always putting me on the brink of a panic attack.
  • The gift of mine to see why people make the choices they do, is not the same as condoning them. In the same vein; if you don’t like what someone is doing, stop helping them. I don’t want to hear about it.

That about covers it, I’m sure I’ll think of more later but for right now I feel better. This past week Eric & I went to Alabama to spend Christmas with his family, the pictures below are the highlights from the trip. Paddington got some love after not seeing the road for quite some time. I miss my hometown and would go back if it was an option. I’m not really sure if the reasons I left were worth it in the end. The beach was lovely and a nice warm 70*, and my old apartment was still there as was the restaurant.

 

I’ve decided that January 2015 will be MY month. I’ll be 31 in the middle of it and after a year of catering to everyone else, I will be taking a break. If you’re not already on the schedule, you will not be on my schedule. (This does not apply to clients, clients are always welcome!) I will decide what I want to do and not at all allow myself to feel pressured to do shit I am not emotionally invested in. Which brings me to how things will be different for me, I’ve done a lot of soul searching in the last few months and it all boils down to this:

 

  • I will no longer go out of my way to feed one way relationships. If all you’re doing is stressing me out, we’re done. From now on…we won’t even start.
  • I will no longer sacrifice what I want, for what I think will make another happy. I will do what I want when I can, and I don’t want to hear about how I’m making bad choices. My life is a giant list of bad choices, and so was everyone else’s. I’m done punishing myself to make others  happy.
  • I will no longer cater to the weak by mincing words that need to be spoken. The harsh truth is sometimes the only solution. Tact is always paramount, but in the words of Winston Churchill, “Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.”
  • I will no longer choose things over travel. I’ve got enough crap. I’m going to travel, so when I get my ass on a plane to Germany in a few months for no reason at all, don’t be shocked, and per #1 on this list….I don’t want to hear anyone’s crap about it either. I will either get to live alone again in this life or I won’t. I will either live with my boyfriend or I won’t. Since the universe decided it didn’t want me to have those things…I am not longer worried about them.
  • I will no longer feign extroversion….it’s bloody exhausting and excruciating. Not to mention I spend days trying to recover from it.

To make these things possible a few things are going to happen;

  1. I am deleting my Facebook, it is the single largest source of all the stress and heartache I feel towards others. Not to mention I hate hearing about politics.
  2. I am going to put my phone on “do not disturb” a lot more. Mostly because I hate talking on my phone. Leave me a message and I will get back to you at my leisure. Only call 2 times or more in a row in the event of an actual emergency.
  3. I will schedule required “work time” every day of the regular week, to get caught up on Etsy, because I have an awful lot of stuff sitting around that needs to get listed. I need the money.
  4.  I will a lot required “photo sorting” time into each day, a bit extra on the weekends. Because I have 18,600 pictures in Lightroom…. 90% of them are not tagged or sorted properly. This mess of mine weighs on me a lot and I need to get it straight.
  5. I’m going to eat how I feel I should, which is going to mean at times…I’m not going to eat because I can’t afford it. This is the fact of my life at this time and it is not a play for sympathy. I don’t want the sympathy.
  6. I will not beat myself up over not going to school. This will probably be the hardest, because I feel like I should be done by now. But until I find a way to calm my life down it’s not practical. I will revisit this decision in the summer after I have hopefully landed steady full-time work and have paid off some of the things that bother me….and board a plane to a far away place.

This is the plan, these are not resolutions so much as a clearing of the board. The last 30 years are done. They are gone. I can let them and that life go and I will.

 

Happy New Years to all of you out there.

 

Cheers & Beers,

 

Tiff

 

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